My First Week of College

 My First Week Of College...

    wasn't too eventful. Over the summer, I got a job, a boyfriend, and said goodbye to my family. That was hard. I worked a sales associate job at Pure Barre where my mom went to workout in the mornings. It was fun but I later moved away for college, not too far but far enough where I couldn't go to school and work everyday. I enjoyed working there and learned a lot about sales and though I like working sales, Pure Barre wasn't for me. My coworkers were all super close, I felt out of place. I haven't quit yet but I know the time is coming where I'll get fed up being treated like a black sheep. 

    My boyfriend, Riley, was not planned, wasn't anywhere in sight.  The man quite literally spawned into my life and we clicked. We began dating in June of 2024. He is lovely. He has the purest heart and has convinced me that unconditional love can be given by a human who isn't biologically related to you. Sometimes, he's so good that I wonder, maybe it was all worth it; my distrust, my trauma, my years and years living outside of myself, that all the damage wasn't just damage. It made me become someone worthy of love. I believe he's too good for me, he believes I am too good for him, which I think is absolutely total BS. LIKE BE SO ASTRONOMICALLY FUCKING FOR REAL, THIS MAN IS AMAZING. He drives 45 mins in traffic to see me,  gets me flowers on his 20-minute breaks from school, brings me drinks and treats while at work. I never have to ask because he's already doing it. I try to give him the same treatment, but I'm built of conditional love. I'm not saying I love him on condition because I don't, I'll take him over any man on the planet. Unless someone offered me money because then I'll be richer and can spend money on my boyfriend and get him everything he wants whilst secretly hiding our relationship for our benefit.  Besides the point, I'm judgmental, I'm groody, and get cranky. I don't even understand why he likes me. He is my first boyfriend so I'm learning to live with someone else, and he gives credit for that but sometimes I feel that is no excuse, that I have to become a better girlfriend or he'll leave. So I try harder but then end up doing the same thing.  I find myself walking in circles...

    Saying goodbye to my family was the hardest thing I had to do. My sister is my best friend, she moved six hours away. I miss her loads but it's become easier overtime to live with her being so far. The first night I nearly died of a panic attack. I'm still not happy about it but it is part of growing up and acceptance is easier than defiance. Saying bye to my brother was also tough but I've done so many times as he's moved to Orlando three times now and I knew the situation would come to an end.  It wasn't easy to do it but I knew how to live with it. Saying bye to mom, my world and everything beyond it, was very tough but part of me felt like she was half way out the door for a very long time anyways. She works a lot, 10-7pm, I never really see her. As I grew up to be 14 she started getting her own life again. I'm happy for her but sometimes I want to be 4 years old again in my moms arms. 

    My first week of college, I got my period and my cramps were horrid. Never have they ever been so painful. Yet I powered through, went to class, learned and participated. I thought I was dying, yet I endured pain and nausea just to understand calculus.  Besides that awful experience, I met my first friend, Jocy or Jocelyn;  She has a massive heart, one so lovely and a mind thats extraordinary.  I knew we'd become close. We're so similarly alike despite having different upbringings and environments.  Every now and then I catch myself loving dogs more just because she loves dogs. Jocy and I have writing and rhetoric together, there we met Matt.  He loves cars and has his own company of auto-styling to which I helped him organize his branding and target audience.  Together our little group invited Diamond who's in Matt and I's econ class. The four of us became closer and it was refreshing. I enjoyed meeting them and befriending them. I hope they stay in my life for a long time.